By George Kohlrieser
In my years as a hostage negotiator, I learned a profound truth: people do not change because of force—they change because of connection and hope. Hostage negotiators achieve a 95% success rate, not by using weapons, but by using words, influence, and empathy.
You may not be dealing with armed criminals in your workplace, but you might feel hostage to a difficult colleague—the chronic complainer, the micromanager, the underperforming team member, or the one who always finds fault and is negative. These colleagues and situations can make one feel powerless, exhausted, and emotionally drained – like a hostage without a physical weapon. The key to regaining power is to shift from reacting to controlling what you can – and that is yourself. This happens by focus on one’s mindset and then the conversation with connection and influence.
The First Step: Are You a Psychological Hostage?
A mistake many professionals make is believing that their challenging colleague controls their emotions. They feel trapped by negativity, drained by gossip, or undermined by an uncooperative teammate. The real hostage-taker is not only the colleague, but being a hostage to one’s own mindset and emotional triggers.
We must break free from this “hostage mindset” by understanding that we always have a choice. No matter how difficult someone is, we have the power to influence ourself by managing our emotions, our reactions, and the way we communicate. This also sometimes includes drawing a boundary.
Story #1: Lisa and the Unreliable Teammate
Marie was an exceptional professional—dependable, hardworking, and deeply committed to delivering results. For months she carried the weight of her unreliable teammate, Peter.
Peter routinely missed deadlines, made excuses, and avoided accountability. Marie grew more resentful each time she corrected his mistakes. She felt like a hostage—forced into a situation where she had to compensate for his shortcomings.
Marie’s first instinct was to keep quiet and pick up the slack—a strategy many people use to avoid conflict and confrontation. Then she realized this approach was unsustainable.
The Breakthrough Conversation:
Marie scheduled a one-on-one conversation with Peter. Instead of blaming him, she took a curious, problem-solving approach.
“Peter, I’ve noticed that some of your work has been delayed, and I’ve often had to step in at the last minute. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, and I wanted to understand if something is making it hard for you to meet deadlines.”
At first, Peter was defensive, but Marie’s non-accusatory tone created an opening. He finally admitted:
“I’ve been afraid to tell our manager that I’m struggling. I didn’t want to look incompetent.”
By creating a bond instead of attacking him, Marie uncovered the real issue—fear. Together, they found a solution: they approached their manager to redistribute tasks more fairly. Peter also agreed to communicate sooner if he needed help. Peter himself had been a psychological hostage, leading him to take Marie as one as well.
Key Lesson:
Many workplace conflicts come from unspoken fears. If we assume bad intent, we escalate the problem. If we connect first to understand, we can then invite change.
Story #2: Richard and the Negative Team Member
Richard led a high-performing team, but one person, Alex, constantly drained the group’s energy.
- When they won a big contract, Alex said, “Great, more work for us.”
- When Richard implemented a new strategy, Alex sighed, “This will never work.”
- Soon, team morale began to erode because Alex’s negativity was contagious.
Many leaders ignore and are a psychological hostage to toxic behaviour, hoping it will go away. Negativity spreads like a virus—it poisons the environment if left unchecked. Plain and simple it is an underperforming behaviour.
The Breakthrough Conversation:
Richard invited Alex for coffee. Instead of attacking, he led with curiosity.
“Alex, I’ve noticed that you’re often critical of new ideas. I want to understand what is behind that. Are there concerns that I’m not seeing?”
Alex, caught off guard, admitted:
“I just don’t want us to waste time on ideas that won’t work.”
Richard saw an opportunity:
“I appreciate your eye for detail. How about we shift the approach? Instead of saying why something won’t work, can we frame it as: ‘Here’s a challenge, and how will we solve that?”
Alex hesitated and agreed to try. Over the next few weeks, his default responses slowly changed. Instead of shutting down ideas, he started pointing out challenges and even offering solutions. The team’s energy shifted—they felt safer to contribute without fear of criticism.
Key Lesson:
People don’t resist the change itself. They resist the pain of the change or the fear of the unknown. What is the pain of the change or the fear of the unknown? The best way to influence difficult colleagues is not through forcing change. It is through understanding with connection and dialogue what is behind the resistance.
How to Use the Hostage Negotiator’s Mindset at Work
Managing challenging colleagues is not about avoiding conflict—it’s about leading through it. Here’s how you can transform a difficult relationship in three steps:
1. Break the Hostage Mindset
Ask yourself: “Am I reacting to this person, or am I leading the dialogue?”. When you take control of your response, you free yourself from the hostage mentality.
2. Create a Bond Before Addressing the Problem
In hostage situations, the first step is connecting and bonding even if it is an adversary.
Use curiosity: “I’ve noticed you seem frustrated with this process. What’s your take?”
- Acknowledge their perspective: “I can see this change feels disruptive for you.”
- Listen more than you talk.
3. Shift the Conversation from Disagreement to Collaboration
Instead of saying, “You’re unreliable”, say:
“I want to understand what’s making it hard for you to meet deadlines.”
Instead of saying, “You’re too negative”, say:
“Your insights are valuable. How can we use them constructively?”
Instead of saying, “You need to change”, say:
“How can we find a way that works for both of us?”
Final Thoughts: Freedom Through Influence
In every challenging relationship, there is a choice: remain involved in the conflict or take action to resolve it.
Difficult colleagues don’t have to control your emotions, your day, or your career. The moment you shift from reacting to influencing, you reclaim your power.
True leaders—whether hostage negotiators or corporate executives—don’t avoid difficult conversations. They master them.
The workplace is filled with challenges, but connection is always the key to change. And that begins with you.
George Kohlrieser
